I have been told by many people that I am strong. Strong in how I keep moving forward in spite of all the bullshit that is thrown at me. Strong because in the face of everything I try to have a sense of humor. Strong because most people couldn’t handle all the shit that I deal with daily.
You know what the secret is? I am not, I am not strong, I do not want to keep having to deal with everything that keeps coming at me. If I could chose, I would say “No THANK YOU!” or “Fuck Off!” but no one is listening. No one is giving me the choice to not be strong.
I get that most people don’t think they could handle it, but you don’t know until it is the only option you have. I think of this frequently when I say something stupid to a mom with twins like “good for you, I couldn’t do that”. They didn’t have a choice either, they have to figure out how to handle multiples.
This last week I am fairly certain I tore my right biceps tendon, but I can’t get into the doctor for 2 weeks. You might think that is a weird thing to be certain about, except I tore my left biceps tendon last year so I know exactly what that dull, throbbing pain feels like. The constant weighted feeling in my shoulder if I use my arm.
Yesterday we took our boys to the mall, my body’s internal temperature regulator does not work, thanks MS. I am walking around the mall with my husband, son and service dog trying to have a good time for the kids. Meanwhile my face is turning red, my husband tells me my face is beading with sweat like I was working out , I start to lose all feeling in my legs (causing a weird limp) and all of my pain was intensified and my brain felt like it was melting. None of this was by choice. I am not a toddler, if I throw myself on the floor and have a tantrum or start crying not only would that embarrass my entire family but someone may call 911.
There have been times when people tell me “God only gives you what you can handle” and to that I say “Bullshit” and this is why I am not strongly religious. What kind of asshole gives a person MS, Meneire’s Disease, PCOS, torn hip cartilage, torn tendons, anxiety, alopecia an all the small things wrong with me and all the worse symptoms of the main issues too.
I am three months late getting my infusion for my MS, first the hospital messed up twice and then we had to wait for insurance. I finally got it approved and today my insurance approval letter says the medication that is given twice in two weeks at 300 mg doses was approved for one time of ONE mg. I am done! I am tired of fighting but I have two children and a husband that need me so I don’t have another choice I have to keep trying to move forward. It’s like climbing a escalator going the opposite direction, it’s hard and exhausting but the only other options aren’t great.
So, sorry for the long ranting of this post, but the message to take from this is you don’t actually have to be strong to look strong to people who don’t know. Mental health is important and this is why I talk to a therapist every two weeks, more frequently if needed. It’s a place where I get to not be strong to the outside world, I feel safe being vulnerable and I don’t have to worry about anyone else during those hours. I don’t have to worry about making my children or husband worried for me. You don’t have to be weak alone, you can find someone to talk to that can help you work through all the unfairness that comes your way. Work through anger, fear, sadness and resentment, oh how my therapist would be proud of me with acknowledging feelings other than anger.
It’s hard, life can be difficult and frustrating. There may be days you cry in the shower so no one knows it’s happening (shhh not me, ok don’t judge me). I do my best to try and give my boys good memories of their childhood, I work through the pain on the days I can and watch movies with them on the days I can’t.