Increasing Pain by Using Brain Function

With my MS, the more I use my brain for tasks, following instructions, trying to learn anything or really any type of in depth focus that means my pain goes from a daily 3-4 to a daily 6-8. Also, my 9 is the cartilage in my right hip tearing and my 10 is my epidural wearing off mid c-section with my first kid. Just so you don’t think I am some little wimp who can’t handle pain. I have 11 tattoos for crying out loud, I have a high threshold for pain.

Holy shit, if nothing else, this remote learning has reminded me why I had to stop working last year. My migraines have increased by 3 times the normal amount per week, my spine feels like crafty pipe cleaners that have been twisted in unnatural positions. My hip that has torn cartilage pops out WAY more frequently than it used to and all of my muscles hurt. My coordination is shit and you don’t want to know how many corrections I have already had to make in two paragraphs of this post.

My Meniere’s is fucking everything up by being more active now too, so basically my left ear feels like everything is under water unless I press a weird bone spot on that side of my head because I also have bone spurs growing somewhere around my ear drum. Seriously, what. in. the. actual. fuck?

If I was a day drinker I might be able to get away with all my mistakes and just play it off as too much alcohol, and let’s be honest I don’t think too many people would blame me at this point in the pandemic. Alas, I do not, I wait to start drinking usually until at least dinner time and then it’s not like it’s a lot any how. I take too many medications for that.

After two full weeks of school moderated remote learning I honestly feel more stupid than I ever had, and I was a good student. So many lists and check offs trying to keep track of. Who has a zoom session when? Who is using Microsoft Teams on what days for which classes?

The only thing I can’t complain about it that I basically get to wear different yoga pants each day and don’t cover my head as frequently because I am not leaving the house so everyone here knows all about my alopecia so who gives a shit right? I do make the exception when I am doing zoom ASL for kids when I am teaching my kids because I have no idea how long I will have my hearing, honestly no one knows, so that’s super happy.

Audio books and podcasts are my friends when I am done with the kids because I get to rest my eyes. Though I typically fall asleep during whatever it is I am listening to so I always have to rewind so I can actually hear what I was trying to listen to. My kids get too much screen time but that’s the life of having a mom with a chronic illness in this house. I can’t keep going, I am not the energizer bunny.

The pain makes me cranky, short tempered and exhausted. I try my hardest not to snap but there are days when I just can’t negotiate or argue any more and I need them to do something else or just listen and let me have a break.

I know it’s hard for them too, it’s just a different lens you see that through when your body is screaming in pain. If I left them to do their work on their own they would be on YouTube or online video games and nothing would get done. Believe me, I have already thought about that solution.

So, about 1.5 more months of this and I’ll either be broken and worse than before or I may be a tiny bit stronger. It’ll be interesting if it goes longer because I can’t get in to have my basal cell carcinoma checked and I am supposed to get a follow up mammogram so (shrug emoji) who know what will happen. I just hope that something happens so we can get the F out of this house during the summer months because I have cabin fever and a broken brain.

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