When disabled and no longer able to function physically or mentally at a job in the US you have to go through a long and tedious process to prove that you are in fact incapable of performing any tasks that make money.

Not only is being physically and mentally disabled a blow to one’s self esteem and self worth but the mere fact that you have to prove it to strangers who may or may not believe it, a long and depressing process.

Yes, I am in fact too stupid to retain new information, yes I am too stupid to remember the information and skills I used to have. Yes, I am also incapable of sitting, standing or walking for any real measurement of time.

I would much rather be working with normal society, talking to grown ups, producing reports that are of value to someone.

Instead, I can add my blood results to a spreadsheet I made over 5 years ago. I can nap like it’s my job. I can barely parent or housewife like any “typical” woman of my age. I can use a spreadsheet to try and remember which pills go in am and pm in my weekly box.

My body doesn’t know how to stand or sit properly. After 39 years I get to spend my days trying to practice the proper position and hope eventually the muscles will do it on their own, without all the concentration it’s currently takes to put my pelvis and lower back in the correct position.

All the while, knowing my body doesn’t work properly, exhausts easily and my brain can no longer remember previously learned information or retain new information I attempt to learn. I tried to teach my kids sign language this summer while refreshing my previously learned skills and I could not. Out of the year of sign language I can remember “amazing”, “silly”, “weird” and basic family signs. Even after trying to relearn them, the information does not stick.

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Understand the process of disability is supposed to weed out those who are indeed not disabled, however there are countless more people who are approved more easily than I. The frustrating part for me is that I am actually disabled, have medical records and letters to confirm that, but for whatever reason I am not believed. My doctors state it, my MRIs and hearing tests confirm it. So why does it take constant fighting to prove what already shows in my records?

Feeling like a terrible mother, wife and contributing citizen is already hard. Why is it made so march harder by the current process? If 26 specialists and three physical therapists are not an indication that I have issues, what will it take?