For more than a month now I’ve been trying to adjust my antidepressant medication because my previous one wasn’t working. I then developed serotonin syndrome because some nerve pain meds happen to also be used as antidepressants.

My husband, both sons and myself have been stuck together in this house with 3 large dogs. I love my family so please don’t get me wrong. Both of my children were wanted desperately. The first took a month and was huge but healthy. Our rainbow baby took so much to keep him surviving in my womb but after being told we’d never get pregnant after my miscarriage I gladly did all the shots, bed rest and numerous emergency visits to the doctor and hospital.

Thanksgiving was so incredibly emotional and stressful for me this year. I couldn’t find a boneless turkey breast anywhere for weeks so I settled on thick deli meat. I forgot the sparkling apple juice and the biscuits. I forgot set the oven to the right temp and didn’t realize until everything had already been in there for 30 minutes. I burned myself (again). I cried while the sides that were prepurchased baked, because I cannot do this stuff with My MS. I lied in my office bawling because my first thanksgiving I had to prepare was not going as planned.

But also, my neuro chemistry is changing with meds and my nerve pain meds have been reduced an insane amount to track side effects for the medication adjustments. Then, I remembered that 12 years ago thanksgiving I lost my baby. Both my boys know I’ve lost a baby but we don’t talk about it too much. So I’m crying for failing thanksgiving, yelling at everyone and telling them to leave me alone without realizing that my heart was breaking again. I wonder what that baby would have been like and I grieve it sometimes without realizing why I’m so upset.

I love our two boys, even though they’re so far apart in age and mostly bicker. I can’t imagine our life without them, even when they test us.