I have always played the strong, stable, dependable roll. Anger was the easiest emotion because it gave off the bravado I was not weak.
It’s taken A LOT of therapy to understand that my anger was covering the more scary, vulnerable emotions I rarely used. It’s made me softer and more approachable. It’s also wreaking havoc on my brain.
I see a lot of medical professionals, I’m frequently told how much stuff I’m dealing with (like I am somehow unaware of the insane multitudes of issues I deal with every second of every. Single. Day. ).
I’m told that I “have a great attitude about it”. I know I think, telling them it’s better than the alternative. In reality, I know that if I don’t play it off as ridiculous then every appointment would be filled with my tears and their pity for me.
I don’t want pity, I don’t want to be that “crazy” woman who cries every time I go to the doctor. Instead I’m the loud woman who laughs and makes jokes about her ridiculous life. Stoic, sometimes inappropriate but at least not sorrowful.
Then, when I have a particularly rough day or week and I’ve been asked one too many times what’s wrong… I cry. I sob at how much shit I deal with every day, all the pain my body is constantly in and how my brain is so tired and broken I’ve moved the pan off the burner but left the gas on, blue flame and all.
I’m posting this for the people who also stay strong, hide their feelings and feel like they are alone. It’s ok to have a vulnerable moment or day. Apparently it’s healthy, at least that’s what my therapist tells me.
Today, I broke. My husband let me. He didn’t try to fix it, he listened. In a week where I haven’t been able to eat anything I actually enjoy because my gallbladder is gone and my pancreas is still angry. My youngest has gotten frustrated and angry every day about math and I got the brunt of it. I haven’t had a moment to myself, my pain is intense, IUDs are stupid and I haven’t slept well in weeks. So I broke down and I cried. Nothing has changed but I allowed myself to be upset about it and I’ll dust myself off and make jokes about my life in physical therapy tomorrow.