Still Learning at 40

So, I wasn’t going to blog anymore because typing is hard for me but setting aside time for podcasting because I feel like I’m talking to myself.

While discussing some past trauma in therapy yesterday we discussed something about the 5 things needed in a healthy sexual relationship. WTF?

I didn’t even know that was a thing. On one website, trust is listed as the 5th and last thing. However, while discussing whether or not certain events that I felt like a failure for not protecting myself and being a victim she informed me trust is required. I did not have that, I was tricked so everything that happened in that relationship (starting with the first kiss) and the last part of a different relationship was assault.

I broke, I broke down and cried. I haven’t talked to even a handful of people about those relationships, I was ashamed. I was fooled. Apparently, as I also found out yesterday, “fawning” is another aspect of fight, flight and freeze. That’s what happened, in order to keep damage to a minimum I just didn’t make a fuss. Until yesterday, it made me feel complicit in what happened.

I cannot believe the layers of shit I’m still working on 6 years in therapy. There’s so much to learn and so much the medical professionals are still figuring out. I wasn’t sure if I could share this but if it informs one person who, like me, didn’t know then it’s worth sharing I suppose.