Finding Self Worth

Dictionary.com defines self worth as “the sense of one’s own value or worth as a person”. Self worth and self esteem are two different things even though they are typically seen as the same thing. Self worth is actually your value as a person, outside of how people see you and not comparing yourself to others.

According to this article on psychalive.org “studies now show that basing one’s self-worth on external factors is actually harmful to one’s mental health. One study at the University of Michigan found that college students who base their self-worth on external sources (including academic performance, appearance and approval from others) reported more stress, anger, academic problems and relationship conflicts.”

In order to build self worth you need stop comparing yourself to other people and challenge your inner critic. It’s a process, one that I struggle with because I am very critical of myself, and have been since I was a child. Since my diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis, it has gotten worse. My inner voice tells me I should be a better wife, a better mother, a better keeper of the house. I should be thinner like all the images women are bombarded with on a daily basis on television, magazine, billboards and the internet. Most of the things I have issues with are actually self esteem but it also impacts what I believe to be my self worth.

Dr. Kristin Neff states “A true sense of self-worth can also be fostered by practicing self-compassion. Self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with the same kindness and compassion as you would treat a friend”. Building self worth can involve taking part in activities that you feel are important, volunteering can help change the way you value yourself. Taking part in activities and interests that you enjoy and find meaningful can help think more positively about yourself.

Self esteem is influenced by self worth but is based purely on actions and in comparison to others. Self worth is internal that comes from self love and acceptance of yourself as a person and does not change with people’s opinions of you.

This blog states : “To have a high level of self-worth means having a favorable opinion or estimate of yourself. It means having unshakable faith in yourself and in your ability to follow through and get things done. Having a high degree of self-worth means feeling worthy of good things. It means feeling deserving of happiness, health, wealth, success, and love — irrespective of the difficulties you face, the disappointments you experience, or of people’s opinions. In a word, it’s unflinching.”

So how can we change how we perceive our self worth? Stop talking down about yourself, stop making light of your talents. Instead of belittling yourself you can be humble but perhaps instead of shrugging off compliments, accept them graciously. You don’t have to be arrogant to know your value as a person. Practice self love, not by constantly saying how great you are but seeing yourself as you would see a good friend. You would never tell a friend how terrible they are or criticize their every decision and action.

From positivepsychology.com, the article notes steps to increase your self worth, the first being “Remind yourself that your bank account, job title, attractiveness, and social media following have nothing to do with how valuable or worthy a person you are.” The second is “Whenever you notice your inner critic start to fire up with the criticisms, make her pause for a moment. Ask yourself whether she has any basis in fact, whether she’s being kind or not, and whether what she’s telling you is something you need to know.”

Once you value yourself as a person, it is much easier to build up your self esteem. The reason you cannot solely depend on self esteem according to Dr. Christina Hibbert is “When we focus on building self-esteem, we work on being better at this or that—at losing weight, becoming healthier, thinking more positively, developing healthy personality traits. And all of these things are good. But what happens when we place our entire value in them? What happens when those “good” things change or come crumbling down? Our value crumbles right along with it. ”

So as I read these articles, and read books by Brené Brown I know that I need to work on both my self worth and my self esteem, but self worth is the first step towards increasing my self esteem.

What do you do to value yourself?

 

Sources

https://www.psychalive.org/self-worth/

https://blog.iqmatrix.com/self-worth

https://www.wikihow.com/Build-Self-Worth

What is Self-Worth and How Do We Increase it? (Incl. 4 Worksheets)

Difference Between Self-Esteem and Self-Worth

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/2019/05/the-difference-between-self-esteem-self-worth-self-confidence-and-self-knowledge/

https://www.drchristinahibbert.com/self-esteem-vs-self-worth/

https://yvonnefbrown.com/self-esteem-vs-self-worth/

 

Friendships as an Adult

According to WikipediaFriendship is a relationship of mutual affection between people.[1] Friendship is a stronger form of interpersonal bond than an association. ” According to Dr. Suzanne Degges-White “Friendships require reciprocity – of admiration, respect, trust, and emotional and instrumental support.” Finding friends when you’re younger seems easier, you have a classroom full of possibilities, peers to play with on the playground and within days you have a new friend.

From this How Stuff Works article “Friendships develop as each person reveals a little bit more about herself and the ‘friend-in-the-making’ matches the self-disclosure with disclosures of her own. It’s how trust is built between people – through mutual sharing of increasingly intimate or personal information,” says Degges-White. In fact, research has revealed that it takes about 50 hours’ worth of face time for a mere acquaintance to become a casual friend, then 90 hours to upgrade to the status of a standard friend. Then, it takes about 200 additional hours of interaction for a “close friendship” to develop!”

It’s no wonder why finding friends as an adult is so much more challenging, 200 hours is a long time when you have a family and full time job. For me, personally, I think it’s less time. I have found a group of several ladies who I consider my tribe and another whom I met who fostered my service dog. They are women that I trust, whom I feel safe sharing information about my life without being judged, who will not tell my story to other people. For them, I will be a fiercely loyal friend, I will hold their secrets in my heart and never betray them. I will offer advice from my personal experiences and help them however I can. In return, I expect the same level of loyalty and trust, a place I can be myself without judgement or fear of them sharing my personal story to people outside of the friendship.

At the same time, friendships with a chronic illness makes everything a bit more difficult. There are days when I have to cancel or withdraw because my body and brain betray me. When I need someone to understand that I am having a bad day or that my words aren’t working and but still need a safe, non-judgmental space.

From the same How Stuff Works article, close friends are  “the people you trade secrets with. Degges-White elaborates: ‘There’s not just a strong level of trust between these friends, there’s also a whole lot of unconditional regard and affinity. You may not like a close friend’s choices, but you’d defend her right to make them.'”

Best friends are the greatest friends, “”Best friends are the rarest type of friend and the kind of friend that we all need to have in our lives. It’s the friend who gets you without you having to explain yourself. It’s the type of friend who loves you no matter what,” Degges-White says. And they’re not necessarily people you talk to every day. “You might go weeks or months without connecting, but when you do re-connect, it’s as if no time has passed at all.” I have two of these, my husband and a woman whom I have known since I was 16.