Isolation is an unpleasant feeling and I think perhaps a bit shameful. At least I feel shamed when I’m feeling isolated.
I have friends, I have a solid group of mom friends in addition to non-mom friends. So why do I feel isolated when my husband works late almost every night during his first week at his new job? In part he’s late because he’s getting to know co-workers so he has to stay to finish work. I’m not angry at him for it, I’m actually happy for him. Finding people to connect with in a new environment is hard, it gets harder with age.
Perhaps I’m a bit frustrated at handling everything at home and dealing with sibling fights, homework, dinners, Cub scouts and all the other shit that I normally have a partner for so I’m not out numbered. So I feel bad and a bit ashamed of myself for getting upset that I’m here, parenting alone with no energy.
More likely it’s because this week as been rougher than I’d hoped. Taking a week off of things to recoup from being in a social setting for 10 hours hasn’t been as relaxing and restorative as I planned.
I feel terrible, my body aches, I’ve had a headache on the verge of migraine for 5 days now. I had a cookie that I feel bad about eating because I was doing really good with keto. Arguments about bed times and video games are never ending.
No one wants to hear how super shitty I feel this week so I sit with it, hold it in like a secret. I don’t want pity, nor do I want someone to say the things they think they should because I answer honestly when they ask how I am.
So I isolate myself more so I’m not a burden to others. I don’t have to be another thing for someone else to worry about. I’ve got this, I may not be doing well but eventually it will balance out, it usually does.